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Apocalypse Now At Wegmans Food Markets

by Chris Chichester on 12/30/17


To: Colleen J. Wegman, Chief Executive Officer: Wegmans Food Markets

From: Chris Chichester

RE The Screaming Infants And Children In Your Business

Before I enter your store at 2157 Penfield Road I place Mack's Pillow Soft Silicon Putty Earplugs in each ear.  I bought this product in your store -- to protect myself from your customers.  If these industrial strength earplugs are not affixed to each ear the first destination after I exit your dystopia is the University of Rochester Urgent Care. 

Today I entered your store at 1:25 p.m.  I pressed the timer on my watch.  At 47 seconds I heard the first ear-splitting scream from an infant-poltergeist.  The mother-convicted felon of this infant-poltergeist is approximately twenty feet away.  Her infant-poltergeist is sitting in your specially-designed Wegmans shopping cart for children.  It is jet black with flames on the side to create the illusion that your store is the Daytona 500.  I recommend that you provide every mother-convicted felon pushing this contraption with a crash-tested Lowe's helmet endorsed by 2016 NASCAR Champion Jimmie Johnson. 

I stood in Aisle 14 conflicted about the choice between Dial Coconut Water Body Wash or SoftSoap Coconut Body Scrub. I luxuriate myself with these products in winter to project the feel of Pink Sands Beach, Harbour Island, Bahamas.  An infant-poltergeist in the next aisle unleashed a ferocious scream.  To my relief the large mirror affixed to the cosmetics counter did not shatter.  I am, however, surprised the Big Sexy Hair Blow Dry Volumizing Gel remained in its tubes.  

I immediately decided I must walk to an aisle with minimum likelihood that a mother-convicted felon is buying products for her infant-poltergeist: the candy aisle.  In 2017 buying a bag of Snickers for those not old enough to vote is a felony.  Unfortunately, there is no momentary relief. A child is running berserk past the Zagnuts. I was surprised he wasn't wearing a Hells Angles biker vest holstering a Glock 26/27 AKA Baby Glock.  

I walked to the frozen foods aisle.  It is the epicenter for the deafening pandemonium that defines your store.  Every customer standing in this aisle can acquire the same experience in Obstetrics & Gynecology at Strong Memorial Hospital. In fact, the screaming from an infant-poltergeist in this aisle is of such intensity and length I was surprised to discover the mother-convicted felon is not giving birth in your store. I was delighted to learn that you sell Babyganics Teething Gel Pads so a birthing mother-convicted felon can immediately purchase a product to treat her infant-poltergeist.  

I decided to buy Fortune at your magazine stand. It required I pass the day care service in front of your cash registers. It is where a mother-convicted felon can deposit her infant-poltergeist and shop unencumbered. The screaming is ear-shattering.  I wondered: Is an operative from the Central Intelligence Agency waterboarding Abu Zubayeh?  

I next proceeded to the ATM to check my cash balance.  To decide how much money I will spend in your Oceania.  I was delighted to learn that The Who was not in preparation for a concert.  On May 31, 1976 the quartet entered the Guinness Book of World Records with a performance in Charlton, England recorded at 120 decibels.  Perhaps Roger Daltry or Pete Townsend will agree to perform in your parking lot.  Since a favorite song is Love Reign O'er Me I know you can now identify with the infants that reign o'er me.

I decided to take refuge in your second floor dining area. I thought: Perhaps the elevation will provide momentary relief before I continue the shopping experience. Wrong.  Inside five minutes a mother-convicted felon sat across from me with her infant-poltergeist.  I was concerned about her parenting skills given the skull-and-bones tattoo on her bicep.  I wanted to know how many times a police officer read her Miranda rights. 

I take this opportunity to describe to you the gangs of teenage girls AKA Mean Girls that populate your store.  While I fail to understand 95% of the words used by these home-schooled juveniles I must report the lunatic fringe-level screaming that commences when these girls traipse through your enterprise.  I always look to see if SpongeBob SquarePants or Justin Bieber is in your store when these girls go berserk. 

Your Mean Girls belong at home with their zoologist parents.  Especially the Queen Bee Regina George. I know you will agree that Karen Smith is a particularly talented future Wegmans employee because her breasts can detect if its raining.  With the proper guidance and direction each mean girl can one day qualify to carry the lunchbox of the mathletes you employ. 

For the promotion of sanity and reason you require a new store policy:  An individual must be 18-years-old to enter. This is because a juvenile in all likelihood does not possess the money to spend in Wegmans.  The sole purpose for a presence in your Panem on Penfield Road is to act like an idiot. 

Last month a team of four Wegmans executives are on site. I was standing in the aforementioned aisle 14.  This is a fantastic opportunity for a customer to impart knowledge to your leadership. I began: Excuse me, my name is Chris Chichester. I've been a Wegmans customer for five years.  The shopping experience in your store now includes a guaranteed ear-shattering scream from an infant or teenager --- I stopped.  I stopped because an infant in the next aisle emancipated himself with a blood-draining scream.  Thankfully, both ears remained affixed to my head.  It is perfect timing, baby. 

I am here to provide you with a solution, C.J.W.  You must hire a security guard for the two entrances.   If a mother-convicted felon seeks to bring an infant-poltergeist into your store she is denied entrance.  How is an infant-poltergeist defined? A human being incapable of walking unassisted.  If a pack of three or more teenagers seeks to enter your store without adult accompaniment each is denied entrance.  A child not yet old enough to vote does not belong in your store auditioning for an Edvard Munch painting. 

I hope this MEMORANDUM provides you with the ability to improve the management of Wegmans.  I know you will institute a series of reforms for the benefit of loyal customers in Penfield, New York. Given the $7 billion in annual revenue generated by your corporation I am confident you can institute new policies to address the cacophonous actuality that inflames the ears of handsome, charming Chris Chichester.  


Freedom Lies In Being Bold -- Robert Frost