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Democratic National Committee Edits Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run

by Chris Chichester on 09/02/17

Andrew Cuomo
Governor
State of New York

Governor Cuomo,

We continue our party-building strategies in the aftermath of Secretary Hillary Clinton's devastating defeat to Donald Trump in the presidential election.  To achieve our goal of maximum diversity we are dedicated to the elimination of language that offends our moral and ethical principles.  This effort includes a comprehensive party analysis of the title song from the August 25, 1975 studio album Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen.

In the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream

This gratuitous language alienates the demographic we must reach on Election Day.  The American Dream is always within reach for every citizen and to describe it as "runaway" fails to properly provide hope and change to those living in the shadows.  In addition, our candidates must remain divorced from temptation to "sweat it out on the streets." It conveys a desperation inconsistent with our positive vision for the future, which includes the American Dream of extortionate taxation, homosexual marriage, illegal alien crime, gun confiscation, euthanasia, atheism, Occupy Wall Street lunatic fringe, Clinton-style corruption and Bernie Sanders socialism.

At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines

It is critically important to avoid the frightening word "suicide" in every public appearance.  Our party focus groups and polls report that suicide is a negative outcome.  The respondents stated that suicide is only appropriate for Fox News employees. In addition, it is physically impossible to ride through mansions of glory.

Sprung from cages on Highway 9

No human being deserves to suffer in a cage.  It is an oppressive environment that prevents compulsory union dues and free access to abortion-on-demand.   An American sprung from a cage must do so with counsel from the American Civil Liberties Union.  Highway 9 travels through Vice President Joseph R. Biden's home state of Delaware. The former vice president has plagiarized this language for his upcoming speech to the AFL-CIO.

Chrome-wheeled, fuel-injected


Every fuel citation must include our strong positions in support of alternative sources of power such as wind energy, solar energy, ethanol and rubbing two sticks together to start a fire.  We performed a Google search on the phrase "chrome-wheeled" and concluded it's indecipherable.  However, a fuel-injected vehicle must achieve a Corporate Average Fuel Economy of 54.5 miles per gallon despite its destructive outcomes to appease our radical, extremist, tree-hugging supporters at the Sierra Club and Greenpeace USA.

And steppin' out over the line

We must avoid the temptation to invade the space of another human being.  If you fail to understand where we draw the line than we will continue to re-define the boundaries of offensive behavior.  If you step out over the line than NOW-New York State is on retainer to attack and malign your predatory male existence.  Except if you're Eliot Spitzer.

Baby this town rips the bones from your back

Every human being has a universal right to free health care.  If your town rips the bones from your back than counsel at the New York State Trial Lawyers Association will represent your claim.  These ambulance chasers make significant financial contributions to our party and stand firmly in support of escalating broken bones.

It's a death trap, it's a suicide wrap


This second suicide citation confirms it is now your obsession, Bruce. Can you please give us a break already?  We must not alarm malleable soccer moms, senior citizens in hibernation and our other ignorant swing voters with a word that connotes the end-of-life.  Our supporters at Planned Parenthood only support the end-of-life if you are still in the womb.

We gotta get out while we're young

Get out? Where is the destination? I recommend The Elements of Style to bring clarity to this lazy and undisciplined writing.  In addition, you will inevitably leave behind a trail of hurt feelings when you get out while you're young.  Such as with your mother and father.  Or in our Democratic Party it's your mother and mother or your father and father.

'Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

According to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights adopted by the United Nations General Assembly every human being possesses the inalienable right to travel with free will.  It is an outrageous assault on human dignity to assert that you are Born to Run. Such constrictive language does not take into account your options.  You can power walk or peddle your Trek bicycle or rollerblade or skateboard or Uber or fly United Airlines or ride Amtrak.  In addition, to disparage a group of human beings as "tramps" reflects an inherent hostility to the homeless, vagrants, mixed-breed dogs and Lindsay Lohan. 

Wendy let me in, I wanna to be your friend

Sexual harassment is unacceptable in American society, Bruce.  To demand Wendy let you in violates Equal Employment Opportunity Commission regulations promulgated by the Civil Rights Act of 1964.  If Wendy seeks your friendship she will send you a FRIEND REQUEST through her Facebook account.  No Means No.

I want to guard your dreams and visions

A stalker volunteers to guard a woman's dreams and visions. If I discover you on my property or near my place of work I will call the police, Bruce.  An explanation of my dreams and visions is found at Ms. I inform you that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.  However, no staffer at the DNC has observed a fish ride a bicycle. Despite that incoherence we believe a man is disposable and Valentine's Day off your Tunnel of Love is delusional, saccharine nonsense.

Just wrap your legs around these velvet rims

This is a pornographic fantasy that demeans the humanity of women.  It is physically impossible for a woman to wrap her legs around your velvet rims. It proves you are a misogynist.  You are also a liar because there is no such device as a velvet rim at Wal-Mart or Target. I advise you to cancel your Hustler subscription, Boss, and read the work of Catharine MacKinnon. 

And strap your hands across my engines

How do you define your engines? Is this a reference to your male anatomy? Is this your penis in Candy's Room? Sexually suggestive language as a romantic overture is deceptive and deceitful.  For a relationship to develop a foundation of respect and honesty is paramount.  Your engines are for Racing in the Street.

Together we could break this trap

Women are trapped because it is a sexist male-dominated society that forces a stark choice between a career and children.  The only avenue to break this trap is through affirmative action quotas, frivolous lawsuits and intimidation from Gloria Allred. Gloria is an expert in the threat to America posed by 14-year-old misogynists at the Boy Scouts of America.  She is reached at her firm Darkness on the Edge of Town, LLP.

We'll run till we drop, baby we'll never go back

If you run till you drop without health insurance this reality becomes an emergency room visit subsidized by taxpayers.  Our health care system is best utilized when Americans recognize those activities that lead to exhaustion.  Premiums skyrocket from cardiac arrest induced by running.

Will you walk with me out on the wire

The Wire is a dangerous drug-fueled destination in Baltimore, Maryland.  This reckless invitation demonstrates your insensitivity to violence against women.  The best place for a romantic walk is on the beach with handsome, charming Chris Chichester.

'Cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider

A woman is not your "baby."  We are disgusted by your constant sexist rhetoric and your feeble inability to understand a woman's worth and a woman's work.  You are responsible for Hillary Clinton's defeat in the 2016 presidential election to Donald Trump [R—Badlands].

But I gotta know how it feels

Your ridiculous demands and Jungian archetypes give no consideration to the duality of a relationship.   How it feels is nothing but instant gratification.  How it feels is your selfish justification to go play in your Secret Garden.  How it feels is your epic narcissism.

I want to know if love is wild, girl I want to know if love is real

A woman is not a "girl."  A woman commands equal legal and professional status with a man.   Sexism and chauvinism remain dominant in America and this language reflects that fact.  Gloria Steinem said: "There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone."  You Go Girl Gloria. Gloria, however, omitted the all-male E Street Band from her demagoguery.

Beyond the Palace hemi powered drones scream down the boulevard

A Dodge Dart with its Chrysler Hemi engine does not "scream down the boulevard."  This contraption is lucky to move forward when the driver steps on the gas. Please read Motor Trend and spare us the dramatic descriptions that are divorced from the facts, B.S.

The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors

Women are not defined by vanity, beauty and make-up.  As our legendary heroine Bella Abzug instructed.  It is this superficial societal pressure that creates emotional and physical trauma.  According to Psychology Today in 2015: "Research suggests women are about 40% more likely than men to develop depression."  You are responsible for that disgraceful percentage, Hungry Heart.

And the boys try to look so hard

We must reject societal pressure on boys to look so hard. This is prejudicial language that excludes the transgendered.  If a boy believes he is a girl we must encourage such a heroic transformation.  It worked for Bruce Jenner.

The amusement park rises bold and stark

Where is this amusement park, BS?  On Mars?   An amusement park includes the merry-go-round, roller coaster, log flume, bumper cars, carousel, teacups, gyro tower and fun slide.  It is hardly: bold and stark.  I recommend Merriam-Webster to assist with future song writing.

Kids are huddled on the beach in a mist

As Chris Chichester is from Long Island he is a recovering beach addict, ex-prolific user of Hawaiian Tropic and expert ocean fisherman.  He confirms not a single sighting of kids huddled on a beach in the mist.  Identify this beach, BS.  I recommend you cease Dancing in the Dark when you write lyrics.

I wanna die with you out on the streets tonight

While Mary Queen of Arkansas can volunteer to die with you out on the streets I must inform you that homicide or suicide is not a typical date night.  Even at eHarmony.  Please refrain from such hysterical language in future writing as it upsets Andrea Stewart-Cousins.  

In an everlasting kiss

The DNC retained President Barack Obama's chief pollster Joel Benenson to conduct a survey on romance.  His focus group reported a kiss is not everlasting. In fact, an average kiss is completed in approximately two seconds.   While we understand your goal is to inspire please refrain from such absurd inventions.

The highway's jammed with broken heroes

Jammed?  Opposition research at the DNC is not aware of a single broken hero on the 97.7 miles of I-95 in New Jersey.  Please identify these Americans and verify such military service to the nation with a DD214. 

On a last chance power drive

While we appreciate poetic license to create drama this language is incoherence.  What is a power drive?  Is it the speed of the car or the route or the make/model?  And what is the reason for why you describe it as a last chance?  What are the repercussions for the driver if this last chance fails?   

Everybody's out on a run tonight

Where? Please e-mail the directions to Rosalita at rosalita@EStreetBand.com in the swamps of New Jersey.  We must not exclude Bobby Jean, Johnny 99, Jackson Cage, Wild Billy, Blind Terry, Jersey Girl and Sherry Darling as this will deny each the opportunity to Prove It All Night.

But there's no place left to hide

Are the police or other law enforcement in pursuit? We fail to comprehend why New Jersey exhausted our sanctuary cities.   We are committed to hiding our illegal alien voters in Candy's Room in lawbreaking sanctuary cities to avoid the Highway Patrolman.

Together, Wendy, we can live with the sadness

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America 6.7% or 16.1 million suffer from a major depressive disorder.  No American deserves to live with sadness.  This dismissal of a mental health disorder reflects your insensitive and callous contempt for the proper treatment options.

I'll love you with all the madness in my soul


We Democrats believe in the separation of church and state.  We are a vicious collection of sociopaths whenever an American exercises a constitutional right to the free exercise of religion.  If you are concerned about the madness in your soul we recommend that you keep it to yourself in the privacy of your mansion, BS.  And, incidentally, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America also recommends treatment options for madness.

Some day girl, I don't know when . . .

Again with: Girl?  Your chronic sexism and inability to respect the human rights of women are a pathetic representation of the patriarchy that keeps women in chains. I am done with you.  Please read The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan.

We're gonna get to that place where we really want to go

You're not going anywhere.  The Democratic National Committee will recommend you for our highly successful re-education camp. Rahm Emanuel is scheduled to pick you up today at 3:00 p.m.

And we'll walk in the sun 

Sunshine is for human beings with empathy and sympathy for others. You possess neither of these sterling qualities.  You require significant time in a dark room with no windows in order to contemplate why you concocted these offensive lyrics in Long Branch, New Jersey.

But till then tramps like us

A tramp does not possess the self-esteem to become a productive member of American society.  You must avoid this ridiculous rhetorical device and focus on The Ties That Bind.  The elevation of such ties will prepare us for the 2018 mid-term elections.  I take this opportunity to inform you that we will not ask you to perform at our campaign events or fundraisers.

Baby we were born to run

Again with: Baby?  We will contact the Ms. editorial board and explain your deplorable inability to understand the female human condition.  In addition, we wrote a memo to Patti Scialfa that details our concerns about your refusal to acknowledge the sisterhood of equality.

At the Democratic National Committee we fail to understand how Jon Landau concluded: "I saw rock and roll's future and its name is Bruce Springsteen."

Tom Perez
Chairman
Democratic National Committee 

Note: Born to Run lyrics are from BRUCESPRINGSTEEN.NET.

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Freedom Lies In Being Bold — Robert Frost
www.eff.org