Democratic National Committee Edits Bruce Springsteen's Born To Runby Chris Chichester on 09/02/17
State of New York
In the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines
It is critically important to avoid the frightening word "suicide" in every public appearance. Our party focus groups and polls report that suicide is a negative outcome. The respondents stated that suicide is only appropriate for Fox News employees. In addition, it is physically impossible to ride through mansions of glory.
Sprung from cages on Highway 9
No human being deserves to suffer in a cage. It is an oppressive environment that prevents compulsory union dues and free access to abortion-on-demand. An American sprung from a cage must do so with counsel from the American Civil Liberties Union. Highway 9 travels through Vice President Joseph R. Biden's home state of Delaware. The former vice president has plagiarized this language for his upcoming speech to the AFL-CIO.
Every fuel citation must include our strong positions in support of alternative sources of power such as wind energy, solar energy, ethanol and rubbing two sticks together to start a fire. We performed a Google search on the phrase "chrome-wheeled" and concluded it's indecipherable. However, a fuel-injected vehicle must achieve a Corporate Average Fuel Economy of 54.5 miles per gallon despite its destructive outcomes to appease our radical, extremist, tree-hugging supporters at the Sierra Club and Greenpeace USA.
And steppin' out over the line
We must avoid the temptation to invade the space of another human being. If you fail to understand where we draw the line than we will continue to re-define the boundaries of offensive behavior. If you step out over the line than NOW-New York State is on retainer to attack and malign your predatory male existence. Except if you're Eliot Spitzer.
It's a death trap, it's a suicide wrap
This second suicide citation confirms it is now your obsession, Bruce. Can you please give us a break already? We must not alarm malleable soccer moms, senior citizens in hibernation and our other ignorant swing voters with a word that connotes the end-of-life. Our supporters at Planned Parenthood only support the end-of-life if you are still in the womb.
Get out? Where is the destination? I recommend The Elements of Style to bring clarity to this lazy and undisciplined writing. In addition, you will inevitably leave behind a trail of hurt feelings when you get out while you're young. Such as with your mother and father. Or in our Democratic Party it's your mother and mother or your father and father.
'Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run
According to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights adopted by the United Nations General Assembly every human being possesses the inalienable right to travel with free will. It is an outrageous assault on human dignity to assert that you are Born to Run. Such constrictive language does not take into account your options. You can power walk or peddle your Trek bicycle or rollerblade or skateboard or Uber or fly United Airlines or ride Amtrak. In addition, to disparage a group of human beings as "tramps" reflects an inherent hostility to the homeless, vagrants, mixed-breed dogs and Lindsay Lohan.
Wendy let me in, I wanna to be your friend
Sexual harassment is unacceptable in American society, Bruce. To demand Wendy let you in violates Equal Employment Opportunity Commission regulations promulgated by the Civil Rights Act of 1964. If Wendy seeks your friendship she will send you a FRIEND REQUEST through her Facebook account. No Means No.
This is a pornographic fantasy that demeans the humanity of women. It is physically impossible for a woman to wrap her legs around your velvet rims. It proves you are a misogynist. You are also a liar because there is no such device as a velvet rim at Wal-Mart or Target. I advise you to cancel your Hustler subscription, Boss, and read the work of Catharine MacKinnon.
And strap your hands across my engines
How do you define your engines? Is this a reference to your male anatomy? Is this your penis in Candy's Room? Sexually suggestive language as a romantic overture is deceptive and deceitful. For a relationship to develop a foundation of respect and honesty is paramount. Your engines are for Racing in the Street.
'Cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider
But I gotta know how it feels
I want to know if love is wild, girl I want to know if love is real
The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors
And the boys try to look so hard
The amusement park rises bold and stark
In an everlasting kiss
The highway's jammed with broken heroes
On a last chance power drive
But there's no place left to hide
Together, Wendy, we can live with the sadness
I'll love you with all the madness in my soul
Some day girl, I don't know when . . .
You're not going anywhere. The Democratic National Committee will recommend you for our highly successful re-education camp. Rahm Emanuel is scheduled to pick you up today at 3:00 p.m.
And we'll walk in the sun
A tramp does not possess the self-esteem to become a productive member of American society. You must avoid this ridiculous rhetorical device and focus on The Ties That Bind. The elevation of such ties will prepare us for the 2018 mid-term elections. I take this opportunity to inform you that we will not ask you to perform at our campaign events or fundraisers.
Again with: Baby? We will contact the Ms. editorial board and explain your deplorable inability to understand the female human condition. In addition, we wrote a memo to Patti Scialfa that details our concerns about your refusal to acknowledge the sisterhood of equality.
At the Democratic National Committee we fail to understand how Jon Landau concluded: "I saw rock and roll's future and its name is Bruce Springsteen."
Democratic National Committee
Freedom Lies In Being Bold — Robert Frost