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Elevation: State Of The State Address By Gov. Andrew Cuomo

by Chris Chichester on 01/08/18

Thank you very, very much. Welcome to Albany. Happy New Year to all. It may be a great one for all of us. First, to the Reverend and the Rabbi, who I thought were just extraordinary in their blessings and in their invocation. Let's give them a round of applause as each clings to religion. 

My fellow New Yorkers have you ever lived in the suburbs? It's sterile. It's nothing. It's wasting your life, and people do not wish to waste their lives once they've seen New York. When you have to drive twenty miles to buy a Gingham dress or a Sears-Roebuck suit. The rural American thing. I'm telling you. It's a joke. 

Today I recognize my political base in New York City.  But all Hymie wants to talk about is Israel. Every time you go to Hymietown that's all they want to talk about.  It's also where the Polacks and fat Japs live.   And the largest growth of population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking.  

Guess what this liberal would be all about? This liberal would be about -- UH --- UM -- would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies. 

I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.  Such as Super Girl. When I was working out this morning there's an ad promoting Super Girl. She looked kind of -- Super Girl looked pretty hot.  And I've looked on a lot of women like Super Girl with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. 

This fellow Carl Heastie over here, Macaca, or whatever his name is, he's with my opponents.  Let's give a welcome to Macaca here.  I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American Speaker who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man. I emphasize that African-Americans watch the same news at night that ordinary Americans do. 

Why are black men, or black people, not good swimmers?  Because they don't have the buoyancy. 

However, I think we talk about race too much in Albany.  I think those problems are largely behind us.  I think we try to have good will. My old Mom told me, 'You can't go to Heaven if you hate anybody.' We practice that. There are white niggers.  I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. Ergo, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are . . . gifted? 

Heroin overdoses are surging and meth overdoses in Nev-ah-duh. Nev-AHH-duh. And you know what I said? I said when I came out here, I said, 'Nobody says it the other way. It has to be Nev-AHH-da.'  And if you don't say it correctly -- and it didn't happen to me. But it happened to a friend of mine. He was killed.  By my supporter and campaign finance chairman Michael Corleone. 

This is probably one of the worst times we've seen because the numbers elected to Congress. I went through this as co-chair of the Arts Caucus. In '94 people were elected simply to come here to kill the National Endowment for Arts. Now they're here to kill women. 

To understand the performance of my state constitutional responsibilities as governor follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody in the LCA wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'll be very bored. What you fail to understand is my real passion is my hobby. I work with retards. 

So, not only are we going to New Hampshire, Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hocul. We're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Carolina and New Mexico.  And we're going to California and Texas. And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back The White House. Hee-YAH!

Kathy? Don't. Interrupt. Me. Honey. Do that to me again lieutenant governor and I'll throw you off this fucking balcony.  

If you were successful Members of the Assembly and Senate somebody along the way gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you got a business -- you didn't build that. Somebody else made that strateegery happen. 

There's Adam Clymer -- major-league asshole from The New York Times.  He doesn't understand too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.  See, you got to keep repeating things over and over for the truth to sink in. To kind of catapult the propaganda. 

You know, to be grossly generalistic you could put half of Trump's supporters into what I call 'the basket of deplorables.' Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic -- you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up as he enjoys the smell of napalm in the morning. 

We're gonna put a lot of coal miners and a lot of coal companies out of business. It doesn't mean we're going to do it.    

I represented New York on 9-11 when we were attacked. Where were we attacked? We were attacked in downtown Manhattan where Wall Street is. I did spend a whole lot of time and effort helping them rebuild. That was good for New York. 

My fellow New Yorkers there is constant speculation about my plans to run for president. I am developing a public policy agenda for 2020. It's three federal agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone. Commerce, Education and the, um, what's the third one there? Let's see. Uh.  The New York State Department of Motor Vehicles. 

A presidential campaign is not just age. It's accomplishments.  It's experience. I have far more experience than many others. I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency after sleeping with Nazi spy Inga Arvad.  I will be prepared to deal with the people in the Bush administration during a nuclear war. If that nuisance should occur. 

I gave somebody a chance. A drug addict. An alcoholic, you know, Miss USA -- who, Tara. Tara O'Connor. A wonderful girl.  I gave her a second chance and Rosie O'Donnell went nuts. I never said Rosie was crude. It's not strong enough. I said she's a total degenerate.  Then she asked: Is it true you called her a fat pig? And I said: 'No, I just called her a pig.' Because the bitch set me up. 

Thank you for the applause. But this you can do. This we can all do. That's easy. Monkeys do that. What we need to do is write a bill.  We have to pass the bill to find out what's in it. Like a Kwanzaa Cake. 
Now, they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday.  He's got lovely bones, incidentally, and smells like Dove Blue Fig And Orange Blossom Body Wash.  

Don't retreat. You reload with truth, which I know is an endangered species at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue. Any way, truth.  The truth is the number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: J-O-B-S.

So why should you vote for me? Because I do not wear high heels. But we got an army of people -- and many women who left their kitchens to go out and go door-to-door and put yard signs up for me all the way back when things were different. Now each needs to get back to the kitchen. Like Sandra Lee.

What? She just said a terrible thing. You know what Senator Andrea Stewart-Cousins said? Shout it because I don't want to say it. OK, you're not allowed to say it.  And I never expect to hear that from you again.  She said: He's a pussy. That's terrible. You, Andrea, are Bella Abzug without the hat. 

My fellow New Yorkers my administration is prepared  to deliver vast amounts of information over the Internet, which I invented.  And again the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes.

Moreover, people that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. Such as in Hawaii. Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is part of the United States that is an island that is right here.  In fact, Hawaii has not elected a Republican to the U.S. Senate since Hiram Fong in 1970.  The 1.4 million Americans in this state drink Man-o-Mangoberry Kool-Aid in caves.

I recognize the presence of the New York Army National Guard.  Thank you for your service.  When I came back from Vietnam I'd just had the greatest brainwashing that anybody can get on Washington Avenue.  This is a big fucking deal.  

There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe. And there never will be under a Cuomo administration. And, my fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. 

If we added up the killed and wounded in Democrat wars in this century, it would be enough to fill the city of New York.  War is too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today war is too important to be left to the politicians.  I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all our precious bodily fluids. 

I ask Senator John Flanagan: Have you seen a commie drink a glass of water? You, Senator, are . . . . What was that sound?  . . . Who sneezed in the third row?  You can't handle the truth! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who sneezes and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it!

What is this Mickey Mouse shit here in the legislative chamber, Assemblyman Charles Barron? What in the name of Jesus H. Christ are you animals doing in my head? Why is Assemblyman Barron out of his bunk after lights out? Why is Assemblyman Barron holding that weapon? Why aren't you stomping Assemblyman Barron's guts out?

I am delighted and honored to announce my Executive Budget will include funding for space exploration to Mars. Mars is essentially in the same orbit as Hawaii. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important.  We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water.  If there is water, that means there is oxygen.  If oxygen, that means we can breathe.  'Cause I Can Feel You Breathe / It's Washing Over Me / Suddenly I'm Melting Into You.

My fellow New Yorkers, only 36,000 people lost their jobs today, which is really good.  Every month we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs.  I completed these two sentences despite the fact I was told there would be no math.  

We know things are bad. Worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything is going crazy so we don't go out any more. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller. And all we say is: Please at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say any thing. Just leave us alone. Well, Governor Andrew Cuomo is not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad.  I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot.  

I don't want you to write your Congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write.  I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is first you've got to get mad. You've got to say: I'm a human being God damn it.  My life has value! 

So I want you to get up now.  I want all of you to get up out of your chairs.  I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it. And stick your head out and yell: 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!' I want you to get up right now. Get up. Go to your windows. Open them. And stick your head out and yell: I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!

Things have gotta change. But first. You've gotta get mad. You've gotta say: I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more. Than we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs open the window, stick your head out and yell: I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!


Freedom Lies In Being Bold -- Robert Frost