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Make America Great Again: On President Donald Trump's Military Parade

by Chris Chichester on 02/09/18

MEMO 

To: President Donald Trump 

From: Dr. Strangelove 

RE Your Military Parade Proposal 

Mein Führer! A parade for our military men and women is how a commander-in-chief honors a commander-in-chief. Your moral authority is unquestioned as proven by a 1968 medical deferment from the Vietnam War for bone spurs. No human being must endure the excruciating tiny pointed outgrowth you experienced. 

From The Mayo Clinic: 

"Bone Spurs are bony projections that develop along the edges of bones. Bone spurs (osteophytes) often form where bones meet each other -- in your joints. They can also form on the bones of your spine. 

"The main cause of bone spurs is the joint damage associated with osteoarthritis. Most bone spurs cause no symptoms and may go undetected for years. They may not require treatment. Decisions on treatment depend on where spurs are situated and how they affect your health." 

Total casualties in The Vietnam War: 58,220. I recommend a visit to The Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C. to pay your respects. In your favorite Dr. Scholl's Custom Fit Orthotics and Dr. Scholl's Comfort & Energy Massaging Gel Insoles. Before wearing the orthotics I encourage you to wash your hands by the usual 12th time before noon given the infestation of germs upon this product. 

Mein Führer! I caution you about the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water? Water fluoridation is a conspiracy perpetrated by communists. As your ex-officio national security adviser I encourage you to drink Poland Spring. This beverage must not influence you to consider an invasion of Poland. 

A parade requires balloons. The recommendations from the Greater German Reichstag: Snoopy, Ronald McDonald and Big Bird. I recommend Snoopy. Big Bird is a Marxist dupe representation of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Ronald McDonald is, obviously, a homosexual. 

Mein Führer! I involuntarily Sieg Heil and it reshapes my clavicle and scapula. This alien hand syndrome is treated with Trump Vodka. In promoting the failed product you, a teetotalist, told Larry King: "A great friend of mine was a founder of Grey Goose. And what we're going to do is top it." 

As the official headgear for the parade I recommend your red MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN crash helmet. Miss Universe Eva Braun wears it in the Führerbunker. She is ravishing in its splendor.  She is the only woman in the history of civilization capable of a suicide attempt due to a lack of affection from Mein Führer.

On April 18, 1939 I participated in the nauseating extravaganza that included 50 limousines driven across Berlin to mark the 50th birthday of my favorite Austro-Hungarian. Joseph Goebbels wrote in his diary: 

"The Führer is feted like no other mortal has ever been."

No other mortal defaulted on a $245 million loan for Trump Airlines.  No other mortal refused to pay a Trump Mortgage employee a $298,274 judgement. No other mortal discontinued Trump Steaks after two months.  No other mortal disgracefully manipulated the bankruptcy laws six times. No other mortal is fined $200,000 by the New Jersey Casino Control Commission for empowering a John Gotti associate at a craps table.  No other mortal owned the New Jersey Generals of the United States Football League. No other mortal shaved Vince McMahon's head in a ring.  No other mortal is featured on the cover of the New York Post with a mistress praising a skill set as the  "best sex I've ever had." 

Mein Führer!  I note the following presidential language from you.  

On Cher: 

"I promise not to talk about your massive plastic surgeries that didn't work."

On harmonious race relations:

"I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks."

On racial and religious Generally Accepted Accounting Principles: 

"I have black guys counting my money . . . I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day."

On international relations:

"Who the fuck knows? I mean, really, who knows how much the Japs will pay for Manhattan property these days."

On the asymmetry of the Hispanic vote:

"I'm leading in the Hispanic vote, and I'm going to win the Hispanic vote.  I'm also leading in the regular vote."

On oscillating the unmentionables: 

"Oftentimes when I was sleeping with one of the top women in the world I would say to myself, thinking about me as a boy from Queens, 'can you believe what I am getting.'"

On the mathematics of a female employee:

"She's not giving me 100%. She's giving me 84 percent, and 16 percent is going towards taking care of children."

On the harmonious end of a marriage: 

"When a man leaves a woman especially when it was perceived that he has left for a piece of ass -- a good one! -- there are 50 percent of the population who will love the woman who was left."

On a more desirable piece of ass:

"You know, it really doesn't matter what they write as long as you've got a young a beautiful piece of ass."

On construction, demolition and the absence of schools in Brooklyn:

"We build a school, we build a road, they blow up the school, we build another school, we build another road they blow them up, we build again. In the meantime we can't get a fucking school in Brooklyn."

Mein Führer! My handsome, charming friend Chris Chichester of Penfield New York is a veteran: 2nd Squadron 17th Cavalry, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), Ft. Campbell, Kentucky. His Commander-in-Chief: Ronald Reagan. He is grateful President Reagan did not order the 101st to Washington, D.C. for a circus on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 

The model for your military parade is the 2018 Tournament of Roses Parade. It featured 44 floats, 20 equestrian units with approximately 400 horses, 21 marching bands and Jack in the Box's Jack-O-Licious float [your favorite float].  The 1994 Grand Marshall is Juan "Chi-Chi" Rodriguez.  Per your executive order agents from Immigration and Customs Enforcement deported Mr. Rodriguez.

Mein Führer! On May 9, 2010 Russia held a parade with 10,000 soldiers, 160 military vehicles and 127 military aircraft. They're such children. Your parade is a revolutionary extravaganza that will allow our 323 million citizens to escape from American Carnage for one day. 

Reichsführer of the Schutzstaffel Heinrich Himmler is responsible for security and murders along the parade route.  He remains captivated by the deployment of your intellect, adultery and political pornography.  It is an astonishing achievement despite the fact that you fail to project the required blue eyes and blonde hair of the Master Race.



Freedom Lies In Being Bold -- Robert Frost
www.eff.org