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On The Blind Midgets And The Tweeter

by Chris Chichester on 10/29/17


To: Lonzo Ball

From: Chris Chichester

RE Your Communication Skills

"If you not with us now don't be with us later . . . we gone figure it out."

I am dedicated to improving your communication skills Lonzo. I encourage you to read The Elements of Style by E.B. White and William Strunk, Jr. It is 105 pages. Given your intellectual abilities you are certain to complete this invaluable book by 2020.

If you not with us . . . 

Correction: If you are not with us . . .

. . . we gone figure it out. 

Correction: We are going to figure it out.

I understand your limited communications skills are produced by your father LaVar. I advise you to avoid your father's language. Such as:

"When you don't win and don't even make the playoffs, and don't even stay on the court long enough, that's the best thing you can do is Tweet, make some stuff. Ain't nobody else doing that, because they're working on their game in the gym. These guys ain't played a game, always hurt, and at the bottom of the totem pole. So guess what, get your asses off the goddamn Tweeter, and get in the gym."

Where is the goddamn Tweeter, Lonzo? I think it is under the couch. Please retrieve it and give it back to your father so he can watch the blind midgets:

"Add their games up and see how they turn the program around. LSU (where Simmons attended) wasn't turned around, they're great players. They're good, they made it to the NBA, they're good kids that can play. Both of 'em played in college and didn't uplift their team. I ain't got nothing against Fultz, that boy can play, but if you really that good, your team gotta go at least .500 if you got a bunch of blind midgets."

I. Ain't. Got. Nothing. That is the perfect description for your father.


Freedom Lies In Being Bold — Robert Frost

Y.A. Tittle, R.I.P.

by Chris Chichester on 10/18/17

Yelberton Abraham Tittle, Jr. exemplifies the character, decency and integrity every NFL player muse seek to emulate. He shines. Always.

Tittle never kneeled in disgrace to protest The National Anthem. Tittle never tops a list of 20+ NFL players arrested for domestic violence.  Tittle is never arrested with a .217 BAC for DWI.  Tittle is never ordered by the Nevada Supreme Court to pay $12.7 million for causing a riot in a Las Vegas strip club by throwing money in the air. 

Tittle is never convicted of a disgusting, illegal dog fighting operation.  Tittle is never arrested for violation of an order of protection. Tittle never punched a Pizza delivery driver in the head over a parking space dispute. Tittle is never charged with felony hit-and-run and possession of brass knuckles.

Title never
drove 102 MPH in a 65 zone. Tittle is never sued for failure to make child support payments. Tittle never threw his girlfriend against a bathroom wall and dragged her by her hair onto a futon covered with guns and attempted strangulation.

Tittle never spat in the face of his fiancé and knocked her out with a punch on an elevator. Tittle is never arrested for soliciting a prostitute and two counts of assault. Tittle never fornicated in production of eight children with seven women.

Tittle never twerked in the end zone. Tittle never pretended to defecate in the end zone.  Tittle never signed the football with a Sharpie.  Tittle never spit on an opposing player.

Tittle is a 4-time First-Team All Pro. Tittle is the 1963 NFL Most Valuable Player. Tittle threw for 28,339 yards.  Tittle holds the NFL record for seven touchdown passes in a game. Tittle is the first professional football player to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated on November 22, 1954.   Tittle is the helmetless subject of the iconic Morris Berman photograph taken on September 20, 1964 after he suffered a concussion and cracked sternum.  He played that entire 1964 season, which was his last as a member of the New York Giants.

Tittle is a part of the brilliant San Francisco 49ers "Million Dollar Backfield." Tittle led the NFL is passing touchdowns three times. Tittle is the MVP of the 1947 Cotton Bowl Classic. Tittle created the "Alley-oop" pass. At the time of his retirement after the 1964 season Tittle held eight NFL passing records. Tittle's No. 14 is retired by the New York Giants.

"Tittle has the attitude of a high school kid with the brain of a computer." -- Frank Gifford.

Y.A Tittle is inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame on July 31, 1971 at Canton, Ohio. With the president of the United States in attendance.

Y.A. Tittle, R.I.P.


Freedom Lies In Being Bold — Robert Frost

RE Hillary Clinton Defends Harvey Weinstein

by Chris Chichester on 10/15/17

Josh Rottenberg
Los Angeles Times

I contact you in response to your story "Harvey Weinstein Expelled From Motion Picture Academy" in the Los Angeles Times from October 14, 2017. You are delusional.

The vast right wing conspiracy of women attacking my husband's good friend Harvey Weinstein are narcissistic looney tunes. To verify this fact please contact Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey and Paula Jones.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. I advised Harvey to adopt the same bizarre strategy. What hopes and dreams you have for the world, but more, what hopes and dreams you have for your hair. Pay attention to your hair, because everyone else will. Such as President Donald J. Trump.

You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump's supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic--you name it. And unfortunately there are people like that. And he has lifted them up.

YOU KNOW. I can't stammer three consecutive sentences without my pathetic reliance upon: YOU KNOW.

My handsome, charming friend Chris Chichester of Penfield, New York has provided the incoherent Basket of Deplorables transcript from Time on September 10, 2016: 

"I see friends from Florida and Georgia and South Carolina and Texas -- as well as, you know, New York and California -- but that other basket of people are people who feel that the government has let them down, the economy has let them down, nobody cares about them, nobody worries about what happens to their lives and their futures, and they're just desperate for change. It doesn't really even matter where it comes from. They don't buy everything he says, but he seems to hold out some hope that their lives will be different. They won't wake up and see their jobs disappear, lose a kid to heroin, feel like they're in a dead-end. Those are people we have to understand and empathize with as well."

I recount for the people of Los Angeles my disgusting White behavior that illustrates Harvey's behavior at The Weinstein Company:

Secret Service Agent: Good morning, ma'am.
Hillary Clinton: Fuck off.

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Post Office Box 5256
New York, NY

The Hunger Games At Wegmans Food Markets

by Chris Chichester on 09/30/17

When did it become acceptable for a mother to bring her screaming infant into a supermarket?  When did it become normalized for a father to allow his children not old enough for first grade to rampage up-and-down an aisle?   When did a place to buy everything for your household suddenly devolve into a cacophonous nursery? Why is a major place of commerce the destination for ignorant mothers and fathers dedicated to incivility?

I buy groceries at Wegmans Food Markets in Penfield. I've shopped at this store for five years.  In this dystopia at any time between 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. there is the hysterical presence of infants and children.  It is a disgraceful ear-drum splitting new reality.

Yesterday as I stood in front of the ATM machine a baby approximately ten feet away unleashed a scream.  This particular scream was unusually ferocious.  I am relieved the ATM didn't have a pane of glass affixed to it as it could have shattered in my face much to the delight of the New York State Trial Lawyers Association.

I was prepared.  As in my ears are Mack's industrial-strength ear plugs designed for a jack-hammer operator.  If these ear plugs are not in my ears I would have been forced to walk across the street to University of Rochester Urgent Care for treatment.  I can still hear the intensity of the scream, however, in this unavoidable inferno.

I was disgusted at the fact that it took thirty seconds for a newborn to scream in my ear like I am Dr. Chris Chichester, Pediatrician.  These new mothers and fathers are a generation of simpletons placed in a time-out every day at elementary school for a lack of self-control.   Isn't that right William Strannix?

No, no, Francois, not you, not you. Now listen, I'm gonna put my accountant on the line, you understand, I'm gonna give you the account numbers. Okay? Here, talk to that frog.

Thank you, William Strannix.  You can return to hijacking an aircraft carrier now with Commander Krill.

I am Under Siege in Wegmans Food Markets.  When I turned around from the ATM and looked at Nurse Mildred Ratched with her screaming baby I exercised self-control. It is a posture I always adopt as I believe in civility.  I don't know how long it can last. Because if you allow your baby to assault me with such screaming than I reserve the right to retaliate with an equal measure of violence.

When I walked away from the ATM/Maternity Ward I decided to count the number of babies in the store.  This is approximately 2:00 p.m.  I walked to the first aisle.  When I completed walking only eight aisles I counted fourteen babies. I define a baby as a child incapable of walking on his own.

I called customer service at 1-800-OREGON-STATE-HOSPITAL — Excuse Me! — 1-800-WEGMANS. The conversation:  

Chris Chichester:  Hello, my name is Chris Chichester. I am a Wegmans customer for five years.  Every time I shop in your store on Penfield Road there are multiple screaming infants and children.   In fact, it is impossible to stand in any part of Wegmans and avoid these screaming infants and children.  Today I counted fourteen babies in your store.  This is a deafening actuality.  I can no longer shop in the Wegmans between 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m.  Wegmans must act to ban these screaming infants and children from its stores to protect the health of its customers.  A major shopping center is for adults to buy the products that sustain life.  It is not a daycare service.  

Wegmans Customer Service Employee:  Are there additional complaints about Wegmans, sir?

Chris Chichester: Do you comprehend what I am explaining as the reality in your store?

Wegmans Customer Service Employee:  Are there additional complaints about Wegmans, sir?

Chris Chichester:  Why do you provide me the standard talking point and refuse to respond to the specifics of my complaint?

Wegmans Customer Service Employee: Are there additional . . .

Wegmans has Lily Tomlin from Saturday Night Live answering its 1-800 number: We don't care. We don't have to.  We're the phone company. I hung up. I was disgusted by this employee's insulting determination to deliver the manufactured language.

President and Chief Executive Officer Colleen Wegman encourages Aileen Wuornos to bring a screaming infant into her stores.  At the front of my Wegmans is a day care center.  A mother — and it's always a mother — can deposit her Poltergeist in this center and proceed to shop. 

From the official Wegmans site:

"Because our stores are private property, we reserve the right to limit photography/videography.  However, if you're an out-of-town visitor, or your child is doing something amazingly cute, . . . "

If your child is doing something amazingly cute in front of the Planters Peanuts such as a scene from Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? than we encourage such displays and want you to record it for posterity.  I inform you, Colleen, that not every child is amazingly cute. Just ask Jerry Seinfeld.

Ms. Wegman supplies her customers with the conventional shopping cart.  She also presents a large black cart specially designed to look like a race car with flames painted on the side.  This cart is for your child to ride in.  It encourages the discovery of his inner-Jimmie Johnson.  And to go berserk in pretending it's the Daytona 500 at 2157 Penfield Road.

Last week as I walked through the parking lot I am behind a mother carrying her infant over her shoulder.  I could see this child's face. I thought: Did you give birth earlier today at Strong Memorial Hospital and decide to stop at the Wegmans for his first Gerber Baby Food?  What a joke.

I am not Warren in There's Something About Mary wherein if you touch my ears I'm going to pick you up, spin you around and throw you across the room.  I have normal ears and normal hearing.  I am a normal human being with the predictable reaction to incandescent screaming.

When I was one year old in 1966 in Queens and my mother decided to go to the A & P SHE LEFT ME AT HOME WITH MY FATHER. My mother understood the supermarket is inappropriate and unsuitable for a baby. Because the supermarket offers nothing to a human being incapable of speech, thought and control of bodily functions.  The supermarket is for those human beings with a nightstand that does not feature Huggies Little Snugglers, WubbaNub Elephant Pacifier, Boppy Bare Naked Pillow, Ju-Ju-Be B.F.F. Convertible Diaper Bag, Halo SleepSack Swaddle, 4moms mamaRoo, Snuza Go! and Johnson's Baby Oil.

You, Colleen Wegman, must confront this crisis. You can't sustain and augment a business when its foundation is assaulted from within.  There exists a fate for such businesses.  It's called Chapter 11.


Freedom Lies In Being Bold — Robert Frost

Democratic National Committee Edits U2's With Or Without You

by Chris Chichester on 09/19/17

Andrew M. Cuomo
New York State Capitol
Albany, New York 12224

Governor Cuomo,

The Democratic National Committee is committed to a Nineteen Eighty-Four totalitarian policing of language as we move toward the creation of our perfect republic Airstrip One.  This effort is lead by Deputy Chairman Keith Ellison [D-Cop Killer Assata Shakur] given his long history of anti-Semitism, intolerance and extremism

To prepare Democrats for competitive U.S. House and U.S. Senate campaigns our communication blueprint includes a comprehensive analysis of With or Without You from the March 9, 1987 studio album The Joshua Tree by U2. Robert Hilburn of The Los Angeles Times wrote: "Indeed, 'The Joshua Tree' finally confirms on record what this band has been slowly asserting for three years now on stage: U2 is what The Rolling Stones ceased being years ago--the greatest rock 'n' roll band in the world."

See the stone set in your eyes

A woman
is not an object defined by a stone or other sexist imagery in her eyes.  A woman's eyes are the validation of second-wave feminism that establishes a secretary is an office wife and marriage kills love.  Moreover, a woman's eyes are undoubtedly used to assert her right to choose the first-degree murder of abortion after the ultrasound proves it is an innocent baby. 

See the thorn twist in your side

A thorn twists in the side of a woman because it is a male-dominated society that keeps all women in chains.  The patriarchal oppression suffered by American women is a continuing disgrace as Secretary Hillary Clinton [D-You Know] failed to win the presidential election against a knuckle-dragging orange primate depicted on tape bragging about his joy of sexual assault. 

I wait for you

A stalker waits uninvited.  A stalker waits to transform women into victims.   It is unacceptable to wait for a woman unless she expressly grants permission.  A Ms. survey conducted by Gloria Steinem concluded all feminists must wait for marriage until the perfect billionaire cad Miss America judge spends such an obscene amount of money on you that it is an undeniable truth that a fish rides a bicycle in his tank.

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

Sleight of hand is sexual harassment and we demand that a man always keep his hands away from our biological parts. Especially you Catholics like Chris Chichester with your crosses, confession, Confirmation, Popes, incense, bread, wine, Eucharist, Second Vatican Council and St. Christopher medals. Please inform Papist Chris his recognized feast day no longer appears on the Church's universal liturgical calendar. He's excommunicated. Did we omit any reality in this 16th century nervous breakdown you call a religion, Chris?

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

A woman does not force a man to wait on a contraption like a bed of nails, Hannibal.  Such hysterical language is a reflection of your narcissistic refusal  to comprehend the dignity of feminist personhood. If, in fact, you do wait on a bed of nails than you will require treatment under the Affordable Care Act for a Bad back.  I'm Pleased To Meet You / I Hope You Guess My Name.

And I wait – without you

Trust is the foundation for a healthy relationship that empowers you to avoid a life of solitude.  A life of solitude is the destination for Chris Chichester.  As his birthday is 4th of July that fact confirms Chichester as a white, imperialist, slave-owner no different than Thomas Jefferson.  Please join us for our bus trip to Washington, D.C. as we are in preparation to raze The Jefferson Memorial.

With or without you

We reject your bankrupt attempt to establish the boundaries of a relationship.  We possess alternatives.  Founding Ms. editor Letty Cottin Pogrebin instructed us on the braless consciousness-raising liberation of lesbianism, carpentry, WNBA and the Jeep Wrangler.

With or without you

Your simplistic line of demarcation is the establishment of male chauvinism.  We advise you to read the work of feminist screamer Naomi Wolf to understand the critical career challenges women confront.   Particularly The Beauty Myth and Vagina: A New Biography. Her vagina biography was especially well-received at Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and the San Fernando Valley porn film industry.  While Naomi did not interview a vagina we expect a Pulitzer Prize for non-fiction.

Through the storm, we reach the shore

The storm is caused by climate change such as Hurricane Harvey in Houston.   Harvey is also an invisible 6'3" sexist rabbit.   We, however, reach the shore with help from the United States Navy. The Navy is an insular institution in celebration of warfare.  We believe an aircraft carrier such as the USS John F. Kennedy must only be deployed in the same capacity as The Love Boat.  Especially a ship named after the 35th president where it is best utilized as a floating massage parlor.

You give it all but I want more

If you want more than we recommend a display of patience and respect.  You don't snap your fingers like Arthur Fonzarelli and expect a woman to come running like its fun city at that Milwaukee paradise of Arnold's.  To give it all in a relationship requires an express understanding of the Fifty Shades of Grey hard and soft limits. If you are confused about the definition of safeword please contact the offices of William J. Clinton at 1271 Avenue of the Americas, 42nd Floor, New York, N.Y. 10020.

And I'm waiting for you

A stalker waits for a woman. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime stalking is "virtually any unwanted contact between two people that directly or indirectly communicates a threat or places the victim in fear can be considered stalking."  That is you lurking, Bono.  The DNC recommends that you seek the necessary psychological counseling to treat your obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

With or without you

Because we are abortion-on-demand fanatics the decision is: Without You.  According to the Vital Statistics at the New York State Department of Health there are 93,299 abortions in New York in 2014.   From 2010—2104:  499,017.  We support the extermination of these innocents because licentious individuals deserve more time to shop, drink, dance, Facebook Friend Request and engage in sex without consequences.

With or without you

I got it the first five times, Bono.  If you truly desire to be with a woman than you will avoid a relationship-killer like insufferable repetition.  And please inform The Edge that calling himself The Edge does not inspire confidence in women that he's The Captain Of Romance in such a Fatal Attraction orbit.

I can't live

Please refrain from such histrionics.  Your life continues despite your relationships.  A failed relationship is part of the constantly changing dynamics of life.  I guarantee you will meet a new woman to stalk, PDH.

With or without you

Our party research indicates Deferred Action For Childhood Arrivals or DACA has jurisdiction over approximately 800,000 illegal aliens.  These aliens enter the United States without legal identification, without permission, without compliance and without the intellectual ability to understand the term: sovereign nation.  This is the Democratic Party base.

And you give yourself away

To give yourself away you must undergo an abortion.  The abortionist is the chief executive officer of feminism.  According to "An Oral History of Ms." by Abigail Pogrebin in New York on October 30, 2011:
"In the first issue, 53 women disclosed that they'd had abortions -- or supported those that had."

And you give yourself away / And you give, and you give / And you give yourself away

You give yourself away when you still haven't found what you are looking for.  If this is your status than you are stuck in a moment you can't get out of.  Your best option is to find the right person who's gonna ride your wild horses. 

My hands are tied, my body bruised

Your hands are free and your body is healthy.  This is a gratuitous attempt to instill guilt and fear in a woman. I guarantee its failure.  If you continue to engage in this elevation of hysteria we will force you to listen to a U.S. House of Representatives floor speech by Congresswoman Maxine Waters [D—Barsoom].  Handsome, charming Chris Chichester is a former U.S. House staffer and he informs the DNC that ear plugs are required when Congresswoman Waters makes a request to revise and extend her remarks.

She got me with nothing to win

Please do not give up hope.  You always can look forward to a win.  A win is a man's perfect butt.  Ms. co-editor Harriet Lyons explains in the New York story:

"When you look at the best-selling issues, the men's issue [October, 1975] stands out; it flew off the newsstands because we had Robert Redford's back with a copy of Ms. magazine in his jeans pocket with his perfect butt."

And nothing left to lose

"Lose" remains a word incomprehensible to our party.  Even after we read its Merriam-Webster entry we still have not determined its definition as we deliriously celebrate Vice President Al Gore's presidential victory on November 7, 2000.  History will chronicle the landmark accomplishments of President Gore alongside his contemporary President Josiah Bartlett.

And you give yourself away /
And you give yourself away / And you give, and you give / And you give yourself away

Will you give us a break already?  Despite your cloying attempt to force our understanding, what the hell is the meaning of: And you give yourself away. We fail to comprehend how this standard is achieved In God's Country.  It is impossible to give yourself away.

With or without you

This dramatic choice has left us Running to Stand Still as we contemplate moving on up, yeah, out of the darkness, our love shines on, our love shines on, our love shines on. Moving on up, yeah, out of the darkness, our love shines on, our love shines on, our love shines on.

With or without you

Divorce is the best method to guarantee my life: without you.  The New York State Trial Lawyers Association is dedicated to your representation. These ambulance chasers remain our fanatical supporters in an America saturated by lawsuits.  We love these characters.

I can't live

Euthanasia is always your best option.   We believe in your right-to-die at any time you decide it is no longer a Beautiful Day.  Life's challenges include the dejection of I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For and Sunday, Bloody, Sunday.

With or without you

Excuse me, Bono, can you please stop screaming?  Bono? I asked you politely to cease screaming.  Bono?  Can I have a word with you about your hysterics?  Bono?  Can you engage me in a civil conversation?  Bono?  Are you listening to me?  Bono?  I want to talk to you after your Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolf? emotional meltdown.  Bono? I'm going to dial 911.  Is there a medication I can obtain for you so you can control yourself?  Bono?

With or without you

We recommend you spend considerable time in the desert next to The Joshua Tree. In order to resolve the indecision that drives your goal of "dismantling the mythology of America" in the making of this record.  As U2 is formed in Dublin, Ireland its four members qualify as experts in the Rattle and Hum of America.

With or without you

Please make a decision by New Year's Day and spare us the continuing drama you've inflicted on America.  If you're the self-proclaimed nuclear physicists who understand How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb than the romantic entanglements of a relationship are transparent.
I can't live

Again, Rain Man? We explained your options.  On March 29, 1984 former Colorado Governor Richard Lamm said the terminally ill have "a duty to die and get out of the way." This is an undeniable truth in 2017.  Governor Lamm is now a leading candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. 

With or without you

In your moment of torment and trouble we recommend Phil Joanoa's State of Grace.  While grace violates the separation of church and state it reflects our terminal hostility to every faith.

With or without you

Is this the 13th and final time we can expect to hear your ultimatum?  Are you finished?  As chairman of the Democratic National Committee I recommend With or Without You as the wedding song for every registered Democrat in America aspiring to hope and change.

Tom Perez
Democratic National Committee


Freedom Lies In Being Bold — Robert Frost